Because I WANT To, That's Why.

I am out of school for the summer. 

YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!

I could not be more thrilled about the possibility of finishing things that have been put off now that I no longer owe my soul to studying.  Can I get a whoop-whoop!?

The summer to-do list situation is as follows:

1) Commence home decorating.  Starting with the bathroom I use to get ready.

I bought this shower curtain:

I needed some color in my life, so I bought a sunshine shower curtain.

I really want to put these things in the bathroom to incorporate the yellow:

(On a much smaller scale..... design cred Caitlin Wilson Designs)

(Jamali Gardens)

And, one or two of the following prints from Lisa Golightly.  I found her on Etsy, and think she is fabulous!

2) Teach Bruce Almightly sweet tricks.  For instance, if I said "Kill the Nazis" he would crawl on ground like he was sneaking into a Nazi camp.  I've heard of a dog actually doing that.  Love it.

and;

3) I know my blog has become a weight complaint zone at times.  I'm sorry.  I have lost 8.5 pounds on weight watchers in last 6 weeks.  I am really happy about that, and it's not easy, but I'm feeling pretty good.  I understand the fundementals of loosing weight, so obviously that is not the issue.  My problems reside in my belief system, and my relationship with food.  I am using my time off this summer to understand what I am trying to fill with food, and change my copping mechanisms. 

I am so stoked for the summa!  Wahhooooo!

Facing the Scapegoat.

Did I ever tell you that I lost 40 pounds once?  It's true.  That diet plan began 3 years ago.  

I only tell you this because the new year is quickly approaching again, and I feel like somewhat of a failure.  

During the course of the last 2 years, I have re-gained 20 of those hard-to-loose pounds.  In the process of this weight gain, I again feel my self esteem faltering.  To be completely honest, the lack of confidence and self control makes me feel like an entirely different person.  I am not as happy, and I am embarrassed most of all. 

It's pretty obvious what my new years resolution is this year.  Although it might be easier to throw the scale at the wall and tell it to go to hell, I've decided to get real and be honest with myself.  After all, I am the only one to blame.  

Speaking of blame, when you are chubski, blame is an easy thing to come by.  "I'm fat because of my metabolism, and people don't like me because I'm fat."  While in the dating arena, I also used to blame my lack thereof on being chubby.  Deep down I didn't want think it was because those men didn't like me-the real me.  Being fat was my scapegoat.  It's because I was fat, not because I wasn't pretty enough, witty enough, intelligent enough, or enough of whatever else that person wanted.  In some sort of unconscious bass-ackwards logic, I was protecting myself.

As I thought about writing this post the other day, I thought of how I experience this gross disrespect and disregard for my body.  I also thought about the dream that someday Mr. S and I would have kiddies.  Daughters perhaps.   How could I bring little people in this world and show them this kind of dissatisfaction with myself?  How dare I set the example of hating my body?    It is most definitely something I do not want them to learn and carry on.


It's time.  

Luckily I have an extra boost of motivation from the fam and we are participating in our very own biggest looser.  


Wish me luck.