Facing the Scapegoat.

Did I ever tell you that I lost 40 pounds once?  It's true.  That diet plan began 3 years ago.  

I only tell you this because the new year is quickly approaching again, and I feel like somewhat of a failure.  

During the course of the last 2 years, I have re-gained 20 of those hard-to-loose pounds.  In the process of this weight gain, I again feel my self esteem faltering.  To be completely honest, the lack of confidence and self control makes me feel like an entirely different person.  I am not as happy, and I am embarrassed most of all. 

It's pretty obvious what my new years resolution is this year.  Although it might be easier to throw the scale at the wall and tell it to go to hell, I've decided to get real and be honest with myself.  After all, I am the only one to blame.  

Speaking of blame, when you are chubski, blame is an easy thing to come by.  "I'm fat because of my metabolism, and people don't like me because I'm fat."  While in the dating arena, I also used to blame my lack thereof on being chubby.  Deep down I didn't want think it was because those men didn't like me-the real me.  Being fat was my scapegoat.  It's because I was fat, not because I wasn't pretty enough, witty enough, intelligent enough, or enough of whatever else that person wanted.  In some sort of unconscious bass-ackwards logic, I was protecting myself.

As I thought about writing this post the other day, I thought of how I experience this gross disrespect and disregard for my body.  I also thought about the dream that someday Mr. S and I would have kiddies.  Daughters perhaps.   How could I bring little people in this world and show them this kind of dissatisfaction with myself?  How dare I set the example of hating my body?    It is most definitely something I do not want them to learn and carry on.


It's time.  

Luckily I have an extra boost of motivation from the fam and we are participating in our very own biggest looser.  


Wish me luck.