Did You Also Want My First Born Child?

Credit Card Limit: $300.00

Purchases Made Within the Last 18 Months: 0

Annual Fee: $63.00

Monthly Servicing Fee: $9.95

Online Bill Payment Fee(per payment): $7.00

Charge To Enroll In Online Bill Payment: $3.95

Interest Rate Pursuant to New Legislation: 79.9%

Cost of Feeling Infuriated When Three Company Representatives Cannot Explain the Purpose or Benefit of a "Monthly Servicing Fee" Nor Why it is Charged:  PRICELESS!

Mr. Dana Dykhouse,

If we ever meet, I am so going to kick you in the balls.  Just so you know.


Your Enslaved Consumer,

Paige Sovic

Gods of Health.

Dear Sweet and Wonderful Gods of All Things Health,

Have I done something to offend you?  Although my voice began to fade yesterday, I thought I was loosing my voice, or it could have been the air.  It didn't hurt.  I'm not be sick.  I still felt like myself.  This morning was a different story. 

Thanks for the funk!

Health Gods, in case you were wondering, and not that you care, but, I sound like a man again.  Just like I did around this time of year last year.  It's supremely sexy!  Why do you curse me so?  I am a nice person the majority of the time.  I give my restaurant leftovers to the transients, I say sorry for things I need not apologize for, and I smile at the strange people I see in the grocery store so they think I am cool and accepting like that - which I am for that matter!  See?  A good argument for nice!  So why on this green earth is it appropriate it ail me with yet another sore throat this year?   Mono -remember?  Mono relapse two months later?  At least you spared me my health on the wedding day, and I truly am thankful for that!

Anywho, the point of this little tirade is to beg and plead for your mercy.  You see I start school next week, and will probably feel overwhelmed with the sudden change in lifestyle again.  If I drink my juice and lay really low, will you please make me better?  

Thanks man!

Sincerely,

Paige Sovic

Sorry for the over-dramatics!  It's not really bad - I don't feel terrible, but just not like I want to feel ya know?  Dang cold season! 

Get back in your Car! Please?

I was lazy today.  I was l a z y all week.  The sweet peeps in charge of my employment have been in court this week working their tails off and they let us take half days when these type of events occur.  See what I mean by sweet eh? 
I am not quite sure why I could have been in a rush to the office at 1:00 P.M., but maybe I was.  Don't judge me.  Some girls take much longer to get all gussied up (like me)because they have a particular way of doing things.  (Side Note: I have never been diagnosed with any obsessive compulsive disorder, which means I obviously don't have one, duh! Who needs a fancy person to tell me I am mostly normal besides when I pull out my eyelashes as a nervous habit.  Not I!)

Anywho, here I be, in traffic, with my best "the roads are my battlefield" face on.  I am going to be on time!  Wahoo!  AND THEN, the two cars in front of me begin madly cutting each other off.  Fingers are flying, the middle one for the most part. I can feel the angry vibes.  C'mon guys, lets just drive, we are in our cars, we must have places to be right?  Apparently not.  Red light.  A very angry He-She (still not sure of the gender) erupts like a volcano from it's vehicle.  Yelling, more fingers, and sososo much more yelling.  Green light.  Another red light.  My window rolls down, and a voice from my seat yells, "Get back in your car!!  Holy (Explative)!!  GET IN YOUR CAR!   Are you KIDDING ME!?" 


Dear Suzuki and Beemer,

This is your official "Paige Fabry Driving Citation."  Get your act together.  Your are NOT the only two drivers on this planet.  If there were a physical list of "Rules of Being a Considerate Driver," you just crapped on it. 

Location: Main Street (Freaking Main Street!) and 200 South.

Date: 9/18/09

Offense(s):

• Getting out of your car on 200 South to berate Beemer.
• Being unidentifiable as male or female.
• Yelling.
• Cursing in front of wee-ones.
• Not getting back in your car when the light turned green.
• Not getting back in your car when the light turned red again.
• Making the rest of the people behind you late.
• And, being an asshole.

Fine: Your face being associated with nastiness FOREVER by the people who witnessed your tantrum.  Nobody likes a nasty he-she.

Chicken, My friend, Can We Talk?

Dear Chicken, Turkey, and other Various Forms of White Meat,

Ok, so we have a love-hate sort of relationship. Could you have clued me in a bit sooner? I know, I know, you miss your fatty companion Sauce. I think you should know, I miss Sauce too. Such a diverse friend wasn't he? He could be sweet, sour, salty, and even creamy. But, Chicken, Sauce is a really bad friend. He has done me wrong. He fooled me into thinking it was ok to put just a teaspoon here and a dollop there, and you wanna know what happened? Fat ass happened. So Chicken, we are moving on without him. It's been a rough week, but I think we can work these little hiccups out. I hate to lay blame, but you have been a bit dry and bland lately (apparently that is what a skinny butt calls for; I obviously didn't get the memo). So here is the compromise, you become a bit more tasty and easy to digest without Sauce, and we can maintain this loving relationship we have both cherished. Thank a million!


Love,


Paige

Dear Mr. S

Dear Mr. S,

Thank you for the beautiful orchid sitting on my desk. It makes my desk look very very nice. It also was the greatest gift I have every received. Yes, I love the ring too, but every time I look at this plant I think of your sheer thoughtfulness and selflessness.

Thank you for being so tough and wanting to protect me. Thank you for holding me tight yesterday as I sort of unraveled. Thank you for listening, and most importantly understanding. At a time when I feel like a bugg-eyed alien speaking Martian, it means more than words can adequately describe to feel understood. I want nothing more than to be able to mirror your selfless affection as we become old foggies together. Aahhhhh (big sigh), thank you.

xoxoxox,

P

P.S. The muffins were awesomness too:)

For the Love of Bald Men

(I saw this picture and couldn't help myself)

Dear Mr. Spector,

Let's be honest, it looks as if you have been balding for a very long while. Now that you are going to be taking 19 years worth of quality time thinking about whatever people think about in prison, hopefully why you were convicted, could you also please mull over the possibility of shaving your head? It's just a thought.
Thank you for taking this matter into consideration.
P.S. Whatever you do, do NOT put another wig on so long as you live. It's just gross.
/Paige

So please do not misconstrue the letter above as adoration for Phil Spector. I have none for him.
However, there is this certain guy I spend most of my time with, and happens to be the love of my life, who shaves his head. According to him, he "fired" his hair. I cannot tell you how happy I am about it! It's so so sexy! There is nothing like running my hands over his super smooth head; I really love it. In case you've never tried rubbing a shaved head, I highly suggest it (I am totally not volunteering Shane's head, he wouldn't be super thrilled about that, it's all mine, and I don't feel like sharing). Besides the fact that it feels so fun and fantastic, it's very macho, and it means he has more testosterone then his full-headed peers. How hot and manly is that?!
Today I am grateful for my man's bald head :-)